Curvy thick slim body

So I time and time again consider working out and getting the body I actually want. It never really works, well it does but.

Here's my thing I want a flat stomach, perfect ass, and have this fear of being too skinny. I like my thick thighs and how my curves meet each other but want that "perfect" fit.

It sucks because I actually consider investing in a personal trainer because they can help me to achieve that, they are there for your personal training after all. I just can't get past the fact that they'll have me bussing my ass and then I'm way to thin for my liking.

With my thick body I don't appear too tall which I adore because I always hated being so damn tall. I'm not one for the slim tall look. How do I figure this out! Hoping I can get blessed with a trainer that knows what they are doing and helps me get the results I want.

Pieces to him...

I just want to love someone as much as the sun, as the moon. Only if they are willing to fight for me and my love. I wanna be the first thing he thinks of in the morning even if I'm laying right beside him. Let me be parts of the sun to his morning, adorning me with his love. 

Allow me to be who I am without judging me by what society says. I want to take walks up mountains with him, while we watch the sunset together. I want to kiss his every flaw because I'll appreciate him more than his flaws. I want to be his best friend, the one who he shares his ups and downs. 

I want to take trips with him where our hearts desire. I wish to take him to the moon and back. I want to meet his mama and go to lunch with her like she's my own mother. I want her to love me and know that the love I have for her son can never be compared to her. I want us to spend holidays with each other's family. 

I just want to be his world. I want to fall in love so deep coming out isn't an option. I want to grow with him wherever he is in his journey, because I know it can be hard at times. I want to be the hand to hold and the shoulder to lean on when shit gets rough. 

Let him plant seeds of greatness in me letting them blossom into beautiful love beings. I want to share his last name and wear it with infinite love. I don't want to rush him but let's take it slow. As long as we both know where we want to go. Together alongside each other on our journey. 

I hope that one day I get to let him see this and tears full his eyes, because all along that's what he wanted. Maybe I'll read it to him on our wedding day or give it to him as a wedding gift. Whatever it is I want to be his forever, his life after death, his Universe.

I will learn to cook, clean, and wash for him; You know just the way he likes it. I'll massage his stress away because there is so much love in my fingers. Life will be like a roller coaster I'm sure, but I'll keep my seat belt buckled. Holding his hand even when we are upside down or being twisted from side to side. 

I know you are listening or thinking this and I want you to know that the Universe aligned this just for us. I love you and will forever love you. 

Wait for you timing?

Honestly every day feels like I'm one step closer to a goal in life but in all actuality I feel like I am not moving enough. I started a business that I dreamed of, thought of almost all the time, but nothing much has come from it.

They say follow your dreams but what happens when you share those dreams with the world, they like it but they don't want to support it. You push as hard as you can to get it out and make a change in the world but you get back not much of a result or the result you wish to see.

Then you see others living their dreams and you get discouraged. You really can't help sometimes but wonder why it is they are getting to live all their dreams but you are stuck still merely dreaming. All you are told is stop looking to other peoples path for your own. How can I really not look at people who are living out there dreams and then some and not feel a bit discouraged. After you have yourself positive talk and time and time again the dream you wanted to live, well it is on life support or so it feels. 

Those people may have journeyed hard and long and are finally where they need to be I get that, but what the fvck am I not doing the right way. Why can't I even feel like I have one successful project. There are people out there coming up with ideas and immediately they take off and your sit here in the shadows. Feeling like when there sun rises higher you will just disappear. Like all the people who are struggling to live dreams but only left dreaming

All I want is closure

photo credit: David Blackwell. via photopin cc

Searching for a job post graduation can be what feels like, trying to break a wall with a plastic hammer. I think about every recent grad can agree with me that it is no easy task. It has to be the most annoying things in the world. You begin to feel like that money you spent on college could have been used to open a business or been put to use on something better. I mean do really need to spend so much money on college. I digress! 

Found a job in a place that I absolutely adore and thought that being there would ensure me another job in the same building. Oh did I mention that the job I have now is temporary so I'm still on the search. 

Yea that kind of thang where you are praying to God that you get pretty much the permanent opportunity of your dreams.

Well since being on the search I've had a couple interviews that were pretty okay. I mean I was qualified for all of them. Though, the same thing has been popping up on my mind. Where did I miss the memo that if you are not qualified for said job you don't get an email? I'm not asking for a long phone call or a visit to my home to notify me that I didn't get the job. 

Please just send me an email saying sorry, you don't qualify for this job because there is something better out there for you. 

I don't know, is that not a common thing to do? I need some answers. I pretty much can't deal with loose ends in anything I do. I'm the kind of girl that likes closure. Am I the only one? 

Which leads me to another topic....

That would have to be another post...

I Woke Up Like Dis!

photo credit: DioBurto via photopin cc 

  We teach girls to shrink themselves.

To make themselves smaller.

We say to girls,

You can have ambition but not too much.

You should aim to be successful but not too successful otherwise you will threaten the man.

Because I am female,

I am expected to aspire to marriage.

I'm expected to make my life choices, always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important.

Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support,

But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don't teach boys the same.

We raise girls to see each other as competitors, 

Not for jobs or accomplishments,

Which I think can be a good thing,

but for the attention of men.

We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche (BEYONCÉ)

828,773 purchased in the first three days; she did that!! Beyonce done did it again. Doing my what feels like 100th listen of the new album by yah girl Yoncé, I was in awe at the greatness that Ms. Chimamanda was speaking on that "Flawless" track quoted above. This got me to thinking, really what's going on in our society? 

The main messages that resonated to me:

• Being "too successful" doesn't make the man look lesser.

• We should teach our young boys to aspire to marriage as we do our young girls.

• Women should be coming together and not fighting against one another. We need each other as a whole.

• Woman should not be shunned for being sexual beings.

If that doesn't say something I don't know what does. These ladies were speaking major gems on this track. Much of the talk of this, what seems to be "controversial" album by the multi-talented singer has been the talk of the world town. Some say Feminism, some say it's just Bey doing the damn thing. The SoNatural has a lot to say in her Open Letter to Black Feminists! 

So when you wake up remember you're flawless!! 

Dreams & Passions

I've been having multiple dreams about my grandfather and my baby cousin. I wonder what it is the Universe is trying to tell me. See my grandfather passed away about 4 years ago which honestly seems like yesterday and my baby cousin was born this year. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what it is my grandfather is trying to tell me.

I loved him without an end and he was like the father I needed in my life. He was so perfect! He was pretty much my everything. So I know he is sending me some kind of message. Just trying to understand it all.

Then I have been getting these signs to complete a project I've had on my mind for some time. It's so crazy! I'm trying to get the idea out but I feel like I keep holding myself back. You know the whole I don't have the money to get it started. Working is cool but I just need to make some more cash to share my ideas with everything. Ughh! 

Maybe I'll stumble upon some money or idk maybe I should start a crowd fund. Then again I really don't know about that crowd fund. Are people really making anything from that? I have become that person that wants to do everything on their own which probably isn't the best. Some days I'm nervous about my idea being taken. Yea, I'm working on it! 

Hoping to one day meet up with the right mentor to guide me. There aren't a lot of good mentors that I've run into. It pretty much sucks ass. 

What really makes no sense as much is that I haven't found many mentor programs for those who have just graduated and are still trying to figure out their passions. I think the 20-25 age group needs it a lot more than those younger. They are in a time when they are feeling stuck. Where do they turn? 

The Lion

I met a guy this year that was like the rainbows of the sky. He adorned me with kisses. His presence it did something to me, it made me feel high. Almost as if it were ecstasy. We would go out on the town, he'd even listen to what my heart desired. It was the simple things that made me appreciate him. The way we connected was like the Universe had conspired our meeting all along. We'd talk for hours simply about nothing. We'd enjoy each other's presence from a distance. He went away one day and he came back and we often spoke of dreams together. His touch it heightened my every sense because there was something different about him. I was confused to whether I had found my King. He pretty much seemed like it because he was...Leo a lion. He protected my every care and he made me feel like nothing in this world could harm me. He held me close and not even tried to come close to my flower. Though I know he envisioned that my flower would bloom with and for him. As every man does. I felt like a Queen protected and yearned by a King. He as I a language of love through touch. It felt so right. He'd make plans of how we would create a kingdom and how I was perfect. How I would be an example to the greatness to come. How his family would be open to me apart of them. How I would be great by his side. We spoke of us connecting on a different level. I was hesitant but, I obliged. I allowed him to be my King, but that Leo he left. I've missed him ever since. He felt like perfection on a bright sunny day and his presence felt like the light of the moon on a dark night. It was like warmth to my soul but, that warmth left. It left with the marks of love, that lion left in my heart.