Friday, December 20, 2013

All I want is closure

photo credit: David Blackwell. via photopin cc

Searching for a job post graduation can be what feels like, trying to break a wall with a plastic hammer. I think about every recent grad can agree with me that it is no easy task. It has to be the most annoying things in the world. You begin to feel like that money you spent on college could have been used to open a business or been put to use on something better. I mean do really need to spend so much money on college. I digress! 

Found a job in a place that I absolutely adore and thought that being there would ensure me another job in the same building. Oh did I mention that the job I have now is temporary so I'm still on the search. 

Yea that kind of thang where you are praying to God that you get pretty much the permanent opportunity of your dreams.

Well since being on the search I've had a couple interviews that were pretty okay. I mean I was qualified for all of them. Though, the same thing has been popping up on my mind. Where did I miss the memo that if you are not qualified for said job you don't get an email? I'm not asking for a long phone call or a visit to my home to notify me that I didn't get the job. 

Please just send me an email saying sorry, you don't qualify for this job because there is something better out there for you

I don't know, is that not a common thing to do? I need some answers. I pretty much can't deal with loose ends in anything I do. I'm the kind of girl that likes closure. Am I the only one? 

Which leads me to another topic....

That would have to be another post...

Thursday, December 19, 2013

I Woke Up Like Dis!

photo credit: DioBurto via photopin cc 

  We teach girls to shrink themselves.
To make themselves smaller.
We say to girls,
You can have ambition but not too much.
You should aim to be successful but not too successful otherwise you will threaten the man.
Because I am female,
I am expected to aspire to marriage.
I'm expected to make my life choices, always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important.
Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support,
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don't teach boys the same.
We raise girls to see each other as competitors, 
Not for jobs or accomplishments,
Which I think can be a good thing,
but for the attention of men.
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche (BEYONCÉ)

828,773 purchased in the first three days; she did that!! Beyonce done did it again. Doing my what feels like 100th listen of the new album by yah girl Yoncé, I was in awe at the greatness that Ms. Chimamanda was speaking on that "Flawless" track quoted above. This got me to thinking, really what's going on in our society? 

The main messages that resonated to me:
• Being "too successful" doesn't make the man look lesser.
• We should teach our young boys to aspire to marriage as we do our young girls.
• Women should be coming together and not fighting against one another. We need each other as a whole.
• Woman should not be shunned for being sexual beings.

If that doesn't say something I don't know what does. These ladies were speaking major gems on this track. Much of the talk of this, what seems to be "controversial" album by the multi-talented singer has been the talk of the world town. Some say Feminism, some say it's just Bey doing the damn thing. The SoNatural has a lot to say in her Open Letter to Black Feminists

So when you wake up remember you're flawless!! 

Monday, December 16, 2013

Dreams & Passions

I've been having multiple dreams about my grandfather and my baby cousin. I wonder what it is the Universe is trying to tell me. See my grandfather passed away about 4 years ago which honestly seems like yesterday and my baby cousin was born this year. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what it is my grandfather is trying to tell me.

I loved him without an end and he was like the father I needed in my life. He was so perfect! He was pretty much my everything. So I know he is sending me some kind of message. Just trying to understand it all.

Then I have been getting these signs to complete a project I've had on my mind for some time. It's so crazy! I'm trying to get the idea out but I feel like I keep holding myself back. You know the whole I don't have the money to get it started. Working is cool but I just need to make some more cash to share my ideas with everything. Ughh! 

Maybe I'll stumble upon some money or idk maybe I should start a crowd fund. Then again I really don't know about that crowd fund. Are people really making anything from that? I have become that person that wants to do everything on their own which probably isn't the best. Some days I'm nervous about my idea being taken. Yea, I'm working on it! 

Hoping to one day meet up with the right mentor to guide me. There aren't a lot of good mentors that I've run into. It pretty much sucks ass. 

What really makes no sense as much is that I haven't found many mentor programs for those who have just graduated and are still trying to figure out their passions. I think the 20-25 age group needs it a lot more than those younger. They are in a time when they are feeling stuck. Where do they turn? 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The Lion

I met a guy this year that was like the rainbows of the sky. He adorned me with kisses. His presence it did something to me, it made me feel high. Almost as if it were ecstasy. We would go out on the town, he'd even listen to what my heart desired. It was the simple things that made me appreciate him. The way we connected was like the Universe had conspired our meeting all along. We'd talk for hours simply about nothing. We'd enjoy each other's presence from a distance. He went away one day and he came back and we often spoke of dreams together. His touch it heightened my every sense because there was something different about him. I was confused to whether I had found my King. He pretty much seemed like it because he was...Leo a lion. He protected my every care and he made me feel like nothing in this world could harm me. He held me close and not even tried to come close to my flower. Though I know he envisioned that my flower would bloom with and for him. As every man does. I felt like a Queen protected and yearned by a King. He as I a language of love through touch. It felt so right. He'd make plans of how we would create a kingdom and how I was perfect. How I would be an example to the greatness to come. How his family would be open to me apart of them. How I would be great by his side. We spoke of us connecting on a different level. I was hesitant but, I obliged. I allowed him to be my King, but that Leo he left. I've missed him ever since. He felt like perfection on a bright sunny day and his presence felt like the light of the moon on a dark night. It was like warmth to my soul but, that warmth left. It left with the marks of love, that lion left in my heart. 

Making efforts


• try at holistic living
• become more in tune with self
• appreciate my beauty; take more pics of myself.
• manifest my ideas
• get this person to stop blowing their god damn horn outside my house
• find ways to better my writing
• find a way to have another source of income
• network with amazing people
• find a good mentor
• find a mentee
• decorate my room more; it's so bland
• trust my intuition
• save some money
• attract good love


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Holistic ish

I am completely intrigued by the ability to live a holistic lifestyle. I keep seeing women on social media showing their recipes and the great benefits of living life the healthier way. I even tried the life out for 7 days. I had seen before that many try the vegan life and how they go about it, so I put myself to the test!!

When I tell you it was SUPER HARD!!

Trying to find alternatives to eat besides seafood or fish was just a hassle. I felt like I pretty much had no options. Though, I must say I was lucky enough to try something new and it was really good. Not eating cheese and not eating seafood was like torture. Though, it felt pretty good at the same time.

The only thing that was the issue was that I would substitute high carb items for the food I wasn't eating. That is totally not the way to go though. :-/

And I actually gave in after day 6.... I ate some mac and cheese and had some fish. I really think it is way too soon for me to actually give up fish and seafood. Oh and cheese! I love cheese.

So for the time being I will do more research and pretty much take it slowly. I will pretty much work on my self and grow with myself and what the Universe is giving me as I go along. I have found though that in terms of me getting in tune with my mind has been quite good. I have been doing well with my thoughts as well as just doing more and working on being great.

Holistic living isn't easy for the beginner but I can say that many are doing it so I can surely do the same. Just waiting on the Universe to guide my steps and my greatness.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Condo Life

I have always had a fascination with Condo's and lets just take it to another level. I'm going to share my obsession with you all. Think of this as my vision board that is intended to be a vision for you if you like condo's.

Source: wexzilla

Source: homeizy

These were the few I found searching online.. Super swoon! I'm here like I just want to make some money and own a Condo or two or three.  Do some renting in two and have one that I can go to when I am ready and have a house somewhere cute. 

I say meet some one start a family in my condo then move to a house. You know the family type thang, then we can visit the condo or I can just visit it when I need some alone time or whatever the case may be. Doesn't this life look amazing? I just have to have it, and you know what I will. Some day soon I will have this and more. 


Thursday, November 21, 2013

Fall in love

You know the usual, everyone is either getting engaged, married, or pregnant!! Yea this shit is getting to be a drag. Then you have people telling you oh, once your 25 you will know exactly what you want and how things are supposed to be will be set for you. WHAT!! 

I'm here just living life but I want to fall in love. I mean I fell in love once but it was not the best reasons to fall in love. More like fell in lust maybe, I guess... I pretty much still love and care about the person but whatever with them. People here talking about they are in love and shit meanwhile I'm here like I feel like I'm 25 and it's not easy. I promise I have soooooo much love to give but the right person has not received it yet. Im sure they are out there some where, but it feel as if it's taking too long. I know patience, yea its's a virtue. As well as the simple fact that we can't rush God's timing but dang. I just want to love someone. 

My love! YO!! It's so big and it can fill the hearts of a million people. It's crazy how the one's that probably won't understand it and appreciate it at the moment need it the most. Don't forget the people who just straight out don't give a crap about your love. 

Why is it that love is so complicated??
Why is it that humans are so different (especially males and females)??

It's always women are so hard to understand and men are so complicated!! I mean there has to be a reason for all of this! 

When living life and dating seems harder that just giving someone your love, yea that's when things just  get confusing. When men and women have been programmed to think that sex is the end all and be all. Well it kinda is because you have to procreate, but damn. 

The world is pretty damaged and damnit, I want to love!!


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Dear Life

You haven't been easy and I'm understanding that this is simply part of my journey. Some days it feels worst than it ever does and I try to understand that. Really what is life without the highs and lows?

Why does media and everything else make us think that you are supposed to be perfect. Shit, I want that "perfect" stuff. Life why aren't you perfect?? 

I want to be able to love myself unconditionally. 
I want to have a career I LOVE!
I want to meet some pretty awesome people.
I want to be healthy.
I want to feel like the prettiest girl in the world(I used to feel that some days but now it's been hard).
I want to meet an amazing man.
I want to connect with him ^ and it feel like I'm on top of the world.
I want to get married on a beach.
I want to own a people living space.
I want to have 3-4 children.
I want to teach them everything I know and more.

I just want you to be perfect life. FUCK!

I wish that outside sources didn't affect who we are and what we desire to become. Often times we want what others have and don't appreciate what we are given by the higher being. It's not easy, but it seems like it.

Life I'm just asking you to guide me in the right direction. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Is writing for me?

Sometimes I feel like I'm not a good enough writer. It feels like maybe I should give up on this dream of being a great blogger. I mean I enjoy it but I don't love it enough to write every day. There are women who write amazing pieces with lots of great content, but me...I've been told I don't write enough. Though, for me I know I don't always want to read a blog post that's super long. I just don't have the attention span. Especially if the post is something that doesn't interest me with some visuals and shit.

I'm a visual person for crying out loud. I just want to make great shit and be great but it seems so hard in a world where you feel like your enthusiasm isn't what it needs to be. 

This shit has me considering taking a break from writing. Maybe come back for the new year or maybe not. How about I take a whole year of come 2014...maybe.

Ugh I don't know I'm considering taking a break from my other blog and just devoting my time to building a better me and documenting it. 

Maybe the world is not ready for what I have to offer. Maybe I'm just not ready. It's not hard but it sure as hell ain't easy. 

Fuck I just want to be great! 

Friday, November 1, 2013

BFF for 500, please!

Recently, I've been trying to align myself with good people. Eliminating those that don't belong and limiting time with those who I feel I am a blessing to. It's not easy I tell yah. 

I just want to network with people like me; Damnit!! I always feel like I'm way different than the ultimate professionals, girls who are super into fashion who dress amazing, or the hippies who wear cute floral items who live carefree. Some days I feel that I am a mixture of all that put together even though I don't want to be exactly. 

So where the hell do I fit in? Where will I find people like me?

You know everyone has that best friend they've known for umpteen years who they can call or be called upon by for anything. They relate to each other too almost the T. 

Yea, that's the friendship I want. Many of my "best friends", well there are none! I'm not sure if I was a bitter person why none of my friendships really lasted..I'm actually not a bad person. 

It's just now harder to trust these friendships today. It also gets much harder as you enter adulthood and if your the introvert like I am, well good luck to that.

Though, all of this bothers me I constantly push myself to get out and see different things, to be in the company of various people. Heck I even use my natural hair blog to meet people I'm genuinely interested in a friendship with. 

It never really happens! I just see em at events and ummm yea. Social networking!! 

Maybe the timing just isn't right, or when it was it was taken for granted or not used rightfully...WHO KNOWS!!

I'm just here struggling to make some meaningful friendships with people I can relate to! 


Sunday, October 27, 2013

The going gets rough...

It's one of those days; I think which makes being a Queen apart of the journey. The time when you question your purpose and exsistence in others lives and theirs in yours. When after the hurt you decided to still be vulnerable. When being vulnerable hurts all the more than holding onto your past hurts. Well at least it feels like it.

When your life is moving in the right direction and you are receiving many blessings but it doesn't feel like it. When learning to love yourself is just not fu*king easy. When you don't feel complete unless you have someone to relate to and share your love with. After all you have to be whole to understand and appreciate love. But it's just not that easy. 

The days when the going, it gets rough! When you don't feel beautiful and you haven't in quite some time. When the scars of your battle wounds come to the surface. When you become unhappy of the direction that your life is going because you are not accustomed to change. Change is NEEDED! 

Life feels like work instead of a blessing. It's rough living life and understanding. Be this, be that, think positive, wait for your timing! Time also waits for no man, so why should I wait for time? 

When the going gets rough why do I feel bad about the downs to my up? Damn you society; I just want: to love me, start a business, meet new and awesome people, build great friendships with them, have beautiful dates with an amazing gentleman, be the best me, fall in love, get married, travel, buy a home, create a family, build on my knowledge, appreciate my beauty, look beautiful and feel it, leave a legacy, be a positive role model for young girls.

Can I live? 


Monday, October 14, 2013

Better days

Well everything has been going quite well in the past few days and I am absolutely happy and excited to see what great things come about from the opportunities I have been given. My heart feels so much better that a spiral upward has been happening when I felt like things were pretty stagnant. I am hoping that each one of these opportunities work well for the better. It's even got me thinking that I may have to get into Jamaican mode with 10 jobs lol.

Oh by the way I may be sharing more details on how they days go with all of these endeavors in the future. They are just too awesome to not share.


Saturday, October 5, 2013

Homecoming time!!

Is becoming that time of year, yup you guessed well it's in the title it. HOMECOMING!! I really don't have any real experiences going to a real homecoming simply because I've only gone to one at a HS really long ago (at least 4 years ago). I often hear of the really big homecoming thang that goes down in the DMV. I wish I were heading down there to see what the talk is all about. Really I just want to see all the fione Kings that will be there and of course join in the festivities. Though, I won't be heading down this year I must say look out for me at one of the future homecomings. Where you homecoming? Lol

Friday, October 4, 2013

Transitions of Life

I have found that I am learning  to enjoy my alone time a lot more. There have been times I just decide to go up to my room and read, reflect, write or just lay there with a candle lit or not and it kind of feels alright. It's hard doing that and staying away from social media but I'm doing my best. I have deleted instagram from my phone and pretty much get lost in tumblr which feels like a place I can be myself. I really don't understand it. On tumblr I can post anything and I don't feel like someone's watching me or I have to impress anyone.

This then goes into me feeling that quarter life crisis...oh lawwwd. It's a hell of a thing. Trying to figure out how the hell this life thing is supposed to be going. Fresh out of college on the hunt for a job(I admit I took a little hiatus during the summer), to no avail I can't seem to get me a paying job. I have no idea what it is I want to do. I am pretty much feeling lost. Glad though that I have found multiple opportunities to improve my skills and test the waters with some new interests.

It also led me to figuring out what changes I need to make in my life to move forward. One thing that has been standing out all the time for me is the crowd I keep. The people I hang out with now... I got mad love for them but they just aren't benefiting my growth. I hate to kick them the curb but sometimes hearing there shit is just too much for me. It's like do I really need to hear the same crap over and over again. Ugh.

So here's to taking steps!! Winter's coming I hibernate during that time so here's to more self-discovery growth and possible networking and just prepping for my life.


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Sometimes there's a break in those clouds

As Queens we stand strong but from time to time we may have those breaks. Though, we may fall into the whirlwind of negativity we have the power and control to transform our thoughts. It might not feel like we have the control or the power to do so but we do. We have to fall to the knees of the Almighty and ask for his guidance.

I know and can attest to feeling like I didn't have control or that I wasn't recieving an answer when I had hope to get a quick fix, that didn't work.

I had to repair my relationship with HIM and realize that he has a purpose and path for me. In order for me to be able to walk that path I had to build that relationship.

Still journeying

Not that I will ever stop journeying but a lot has gone on since my last post. I have been going to various events and getting my brand out there. Woohoo!! It's still a struggle because I am not the extrovert and I rather people learn of what I'm trying to say instead of who I am. I just want my message to be heard. I want to encourage woman like many others to love themselves.

I personally have a hard time appreciating all of who I am simply because of what I grew around and what society tells me. Society tells us that in order to be beautiful you are perfectly flawless and that totally isn't the truth. EVERYONE has flaws so why hasn't that been ingrained in us many moons ago? I really hope to one day reach the hearts of woman, teens and young children around the world. I also hope that I can teach my future King(s) and Queen(s) that they are beautiful and how to love themselves and others no matter the circumstances.

People are created on love so why is it so hard for the love to be passed through to the child. I wonder if they could create a love potion to be injected into us. LOL. Well not really, that probably would not event be ethical.

In terms of meeting a King, apparently my King is still out there. We just aren't ready enough to cross each others path, which makes me a little sad at times because it's like I miss him and I don't even know him yet. I yearn for him but that only tells me that I need to take steps within myself to meet him. So I will try to work on being patient and just enjoying my time single and exploring the world and myself.


Monday, February 18, 2013

Dear Lover,

I don't know who you are and where you are right now, but I miss you. I want to laugh with you at this very moment. I want you to tell me I'm beautiful. I want to know that when you kiss my forehead I'll feel it. I want to smile because you are just that amazing. I want to pray with you and share things I'd share with my best friend. I want you to become that friend. I want to make you laugh in ways that you've never laughed before. I want to grow with you. I want to know that you are mine. I want to dive into your arms and hear you tell me everything is okay. I want to hear about how your day was. I want to give you massages after I know you've had a long day at work. I want to cook you your favorite dinner. I want to sit next you and watch a love story. I want to love you and create a story. I want to visit museums with you and talk art. I want to pray with you and talk God. I want to take walks with you in the park. I want to hold your hand, knowing that you have no intentions of letting go. I want to dance with you in the rain, flaws and all. I want to know that you are near. I am hoping that you too feel the same way. I love you from a distance because I know we are walking on our journeys to each other. Though, sometimes I wished we were running, because sometimes I feel like the time isn't on my side. But I know your almost hear, the whisper that your near. Dear lover, I know your there.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Promise to myself!!

I had heard of promise rings that people buy for themselves or their loved ones bought for them but never have I went out on a limb to buy myself one. This changed when I came across a ring and it literally spoke to my heart. I am not really the type of person that shops all the time and loves everything I come across, so I knew that making this purchase was in my purpose. It was something that God and myself wanted for me.

I am going to tell you all how I knew it was apart of my path to get this ring. I had just saw in my notifications on Instagram, that a profile had liked one of my pictures. I took the time to check them out, which I usually don't do as often and the first thing that I saw was the ring pictured below. Right then and there I knew that that ring was meant for me to make a promise to myself.

I was not sure which had to put it on because I mean I wouldn't want an eligible King to think I am not an eligible Queen. Then, again I felt as if placing it on my actual ring finger would really make it a deeper promise. I think the placement of the ring also had to do with the ring I had on my middle finger since like forever. I finally ended up with the ring on my right hand ring finger, and I just took off the middle finger ring and placed it on my chain. It took meant a lot to me so I couldn't just toss it to the side.

My promise it to honor myself as a Queen, to ALWAYS love me first and to remind me that I deserve nothing but a King. I will follow my dreams to becoming successful, and remind all other Queens that they are indeed one. This is to growth, love, happiness, abundance and good fortune. 



Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Vegetarian Update

Now that I've been on this Vegetarian thing for quite a while I've been testing out my luck with numerous Boca and Morning Star products.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about I'll fill you in. Both of these brands produce Vegetarian products that are alternatives to meat items.

Since being on my journey I have tried two of many products Boca chipotle black bean burgers & morning star chicken strips.

My take exactly Yay for the bean burgers and heck no for those chicken strips. The bean burgers were super tasty and filled with lots of flavor; definite plus in my book. The chicken strips ahhh not so much. I'm thinking this particular consistency is just not one I particularly am found of and have to say I pass.

But I am really came to tell you all the wonderful yummies I discovered yesterday. Well I just tell you about one of them.

I found these awesome chikn nuggets and they were pretty darn good. They tasted just like chicken nuggets only thing is they had a sweet taste to them. I was cool with it, hey I can't expect it to be exactly like chicken nuggets.

I never believe these things are actually not meat!! So I have to look at the ingredients like a million times. Haha

Oh and I topped it off with the Annie's Organic Macaroni !! The artistic side of me wanted bunnies..don't judge lol.